North Star {Amy Cardi Knit}

This is the thirteenth post in my North Star November series….a soul centered discussion about depression.  Each day this month, I’ll be sharing a piece of my soul’s journey, along with a free pattern to thank you for taking part in such an important conversation!  Catch up by reading Day 12Skip forward to Day 14.

girl with deep eyes

Eyes of a Child

Through working with Susan, my relationship coach, I learned that we all have traumas or “Core Fracture Wounds.”

These often go all the way back to childhood.

Imagine that!  Every belief we have about ourselves and every behavior we’ve come to identify with can actually be traced back to some event in our childhood.  Situations we didn’t know how to handle as children, which were left unexplained to us by the unknowing adults in our life, continue to drive many of our thoughts and behaviors to this day.

Here’s the really sad part…

These beliefs, which were first created in childhood, simply aren’t true.  They were explanations we told ourselves to fill in gaps when we didn’t understand.  They were conclusions we came to when we couldn’t see any other answers because our minds were young, underdeveloped, and fragile.

It’s not your fault, sweetheart.

For instance, my core wounding revolves around never feeling good enough.  Before my journey (and even now on my bad days) I carried around SO MUCH guilt.  I felt like I could never be a good enough daughter, wife, mother, or business person.

Every action I’ve ever taken over the past decade has been directly correlated to not feeling like enough.

Drop of water

It all Starts in the Center

Wow.  That was a heavy realization.

Because of my past conditioning, it didn’t matter how good I did or what the final outcome of my productivity was…it would NEVER be good enough.

No wonder I was miserable!

If I could never be good enough for myself, how could I ever feel good enough for the people around me??

Comment and tell me…

Is it possible you’ve been falsely believing something negative about yourself?  Tell me about it.

{Though I do try to check all comments here on my blog regularly, it is not monitored 24/7.  If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help!  This suicide hotline is available 24 hours a day to support you: 1-800-273-8255}

Now for the fun….

knit short sleeved chevron cadi

Amy Cardi Knitting Pattern

I know we’re getting into some heavy topics here…. Life is filled with big conversations, though, and I’m honored that you’re here having this one with me.  As promised, today I’m sharing my Amy knit cardigan pattern.  It’s a fun, colorful, chevron design featuring nine different sizes!  Click over to Ravelry to see more photos of the finished project.

Because this pattern includes so many sizes, it’s super long.  The PDF is 33 pages….SO….rather than posting the whole lengthy pattern here, I’m emailing this one to anyone who would like it.  All you need to do is input your info. into the form at the bottom of this post and I’ll email you the pattern along with a coupon code to add it to your Ravelry library.  If you don’t want to stay on my newsletter email list afterwards, simply unsubscribe at the bottom of the Amy Cardi delivery email.

Please Share!

1. Head over to Ravelry, add this pattern to your favorites and queue the pattern listing. This is a great way to help designers connect with new customers, and we always super appreciate you taking that extra moment!

You’ll find the Ravelry listing here.

2. Share this blog post with your crafty friends. Please use the handy social sharing buttons at the bottom of this post so your crafty friends can take advantage of this free pattern too.

3.  Scroll down to view the pattern OR if you’d like an ad-free PDF copy of this pattern (or to add the pattern to your Rav. library), simply input your email address into this form and I’ll email one over:

 

 

This design, a written work and images are a copyright of
©MelodysMakings and may not be copied or reproduced in any way.

You have permission to sell finished products made from this pattern, but please leave a link to my website, www.melodys-makings.com, in your product listing specifying that I am the designer of this pattern.  Thank you for supporting me as a work at home mother!

42 Comments On “North Star {Amy Cardi Knit}”

  1. Hey there. I have been following since day 1 and wanted to thank-you for addressing this important topic. I have struggled a lot with depression in the past, thought I had somehow overcome it, but had a setback last year and am again taking antidepressants and seeing a psychologist. In my case the death of my dad when I was a teen was the beginning of feeling as you describe: adults didn’t explain and all I could do was imagine and give myself answers on my own. I have never felt “enough”, in so many aspects of my life. But now I am determined to overcome this again. I also just had a small semicolon tattooed on my wrist, to remind myself that life is not over and I can write a new chapter 🙂

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    • LOVE the idea of a semi colon to represent a new chapter!! What a great reminder. It sounds like you and I are on a very similar journey. Biggest hugs and love to you!!

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  2. OMG!!! Yes that is it. I am not good enough – never have never will (yes its a bad day) Wow. This one really hit home today. Sorry

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  3. Thank you so much your blog game right when I had hit bottom.I to was told growing up I wasn’t good enough negatively compared to cousins,told it wasn’t difficult to begin with. In highschool my father accused me of trading sex for grades. I always expect anything good to be taken away because I am unworthy years of therapy can not replace that core when life starts to unravel.

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  4. I totally get the unworthy feeling. My children are not early 20’s and I still feel that I wasn’t a good enough mother to them. Makes me cry when I think about things that maybe I could have done better/differently while they were growing up. I don’t think these feelings ever go away completely. They may not be “in your face” sometimes, but it seems that there is always something that triggers them back.

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    • I agree that it’s definitely a touch and go thing…but I think through tools like meditation we can help to find that peaceful place a little more often…*a little* haha

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  5. I know I grew up thinking I was worthless thanks to a grandmother that was an evil witch. It was explained to me when I was an adult that that is what she did, she picked on one child from each family and that’s just how it was, and your cousin forgave her so so should you. From 0-7 our brain operates in theta waves, Dr. Bruce Lipton explains this in his book Biology of Belief. I was ‘fortunate’ to get a head’s up of this woman being close to death, I went to the nursing home where she was. At that point she was comatose, I shut the door, and I let her have it. I told her how mean she was and that all of the things that she had done to me as a child were WRONG and that I refused to carry it with me any longer. I left there 3 hours later, exhausted, and started my company the next day, finally feeling whole enough to do something I wanted so badly, that was in 2001.
    Unfortunately all that hard-wiring she had done was still with me. It has taken years and years of hard work to try to rewire all that crap. It can be done, no it’s not easy, but it can be done. I want it so badly, and I’ll do any amount of work to feel ‘normal’. Marissa Peer is another good one to listen to, she has some great YouTube videos and she’s just released a book on being enough. Write on your bathroom mirror, ‘I am Enough’ and ‘I accept myself unconditionally right now’. Speak them every time you go into the bathroom.
    I so wish I had this information decades ago, but the science just had not been done yet. If I could have a do over with my son. I wonder what kind of world we could have in the future if we as parents all know about how the brain works when we are children. You are so fortunate Melody to have all of this information now, to fix you and to raise wonderfully whole children.
    We are all ‘Good Enough’. Big Hugs to everyone.

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    • Thanks for the suggestions on people to check out…I’ll definitely do that. I was just speaking with my coach today about how fortunate I feel to be learning all of this while my children are so young <3

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  6. growing up, everyone in my family told me i was stupid and i believed them. also in school, i was treated as not meeting the mark. then, at age 35, a boss/mentor convinced me to take the mensa test … WOW! was i surprised at the results … i’m now 72 and i >>>know<<< that i am in fact really smart … and my really good friends repeatedly tell me that i'm not only smart but wise also. there are still people who act/treat me as if i'm stupid … they are very toxic and trigger my childhood fears … i stay away from them.
    melody, thanks for sharing this important subject … you are very brave to do so and have helped so many of us exchange our feelings and experiences.

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  7. I don’t know if this is the right place to ask for the email with the fabulous knitted Amy-Cardigan?! I signed up for the newsletter and thought I can buy it in your ravelry store, but it wasn’t there.
    Regards, Maria

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  8. I had a beautiful childhood! But a person like a wolf in sheep’s clothing showed me horrible of a certain work area, always responded with I didn’t do the job okay when I did and speaked uncalled for words to me in a truely mean vocal and made me feel pushed back on job, actually this person is like that to lots more nice persons, but I realized it’s not me, it was the nasty person with a two-side personality that didn’t want anyone ahead of her!

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  9. The guilt I carry is that I can’t make my parents happy. They have never said its my fault and as an adult I now know it was nothing to do with me and more to do with the outside world. But to this day I want to make them see that there is good and kindness in the world and they can be happy, but they are so far down nothing I say or do works. I want to enjoy life and every time I catch myself being happy and enjoying life I feel guilty because they are so unhappy!

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  10. Your bravery is an inspiration to me. Thank you.

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  11. My family showed a preference for males and as a girl I always knew I could never be good enough. This lead me to try to be perfect—obviously not achievable. I always felt disappointment when my achievements were dismissed by my father. “Why is there one B+ on your report card?”

    Every day is a struggle right now. My takeaway is that I have to be kind to myself and take time for myself because no one else is going to do that for me.

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  12. This journey is a process and NOT a project done in a matter of moments or hours. I have been there for more than fourteen years. Members of my family and friends. Getting the word out there that depression is real and happens to most at some time in their lives. Our health care in this USA does not take care of the whole body. Depression can kill our souls if we do not address this, and why so many people are willing to take lives, and not just their own, but others in their pain. We can come to terms with our depression but it does not have to take over our lives. Coping is a lifetime. I choose to be happy, and try to spread happy, smiles and love. Every day I choose to be happy, depression will not win. If I cannot find happy, I try to fake it, until I can really laugh and smile from my heart. Thank you Melody.

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    • Absolutely could not agree more that this journey is a lifelong process….because we all have dark nights. Life is cyclical like that. The start of finding our authenticity (which in my opinion leads to true happiness) is asking big questions and admitting that life throws us curve balls sometimes. I also try to keep a smile on my face….but I also recognize that it can’t and won’t always happen…and that that’s human and ok 🙂

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  13. Can’t even today. too much. Much love and hugs to you Melody.

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  14. Nope – today still not good enough. When you are told daily that you and/or your ideas aren’t worth it – it become your truth. I’ve stopped trying.

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  15. I also have spent my life not feeling good enough. I finally tatooed ‘I am enough’ on my inner wrist. I plan to add ‘I am good’ above it and ‘I am good enough’ below it.
    For some reason, that feeling of not being good enough is one a number of my female friends has. I’ve worked hard not to pass that on to my two daughters and I think I succeeded.

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  16. Women are especially hard on themselves and other women, and I feel that needs to change. I could never please my father, but I came to realize that was on him, not me. Was I the best mom to my kids? I sure tried. The greatest gift I ever received was my husband, whose love and support let me feel like the center of the world, and a champion mother. I was able to free myself of the tremendous guilt I wore for too many years. I shed that like an old rag. I still have moments and an occasional day. Some days are silver, some are gold. Thank you for bringing this topic out of the shadows.

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  17. Talk about a timely post. Long story short I’ve taken my mothers criticisms my entire life (and she wonders why my brother & I had low self esteem). I mentioned to her kindly that since she kept recommending hair oil she must think my hair doesn’t look good—-getting to my ‘I’m never good enough” core belief. She sent me a ton of texts on how SHE was hurt. It’s sometimes things you wish you could unsee. I’m trying to repair myself, I have to deal with my mother hurting because she doesn’t understand, or, continue to take the insults. You can do better…. you can do better…. not when you’re trying as hard as you can. Peace and love to all.

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    • Lots of love to you as well! It is so difficult with demanding parents. Remember they have their own conditioning controlling them too though…that makes it easier for me, haha

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  18. I feel for everyone who has commented on this blog. I too, grew up feeling like I was never good enough. It started in school with my second grade teacher. One day, she approached me in the middle of a lesson and asked me if I had been paying attention. I replied that I had. She then proceeded to tell me I, in fact, had not been paying attention, and that I was a liar. I was a very shy girl, and this was in front of everyone in class, so naturally I was humiliated. She then said she would be calling my mother and they would set something up to curb my behaviour.

    From that point forward, every day, I would have to take a slip home to my mother and have her sign it. She would remind me every day in front of my peers to have my behaviour slip signed for the next morning. She was a tyrant, and I was so ashamed.

    Every other teacher I ever had, save my grade 2 teacher, never had a problem with me or my behaviour. She was the only one. She made me feel so worthless, like I was absolutely brainless, and undeserving of praise.

    The experience has given me uncontrollable anxiety, especially in crowds and public places. It has made keeping a job very difficult, because on a bad day, I want to go home or not go in at all. It makes me feel like others perceive me as lazy and inadequate. I am constantly worried about the perception others have of me. There were other contributing factors as well, stemming from a head strong father and a mother who was unaffectionate and cold, but it’s too much to write per this response.

    It took me 23 years to finally diagnose what I have, which is anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder. 23 years because I was too afraid to seek help because I thought that I was the problem. I never once thought that it could be from something external, I just blamed myself and kept it in.

    I’ve learned since then that I am better than what I perceive. I am kind, and good and talented, and I am worth knowing. I still struggle often with my issues, but I am stronger now, and I will continue to grow.

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  19. Been reading these posts…depression is a taboo subject but talking about it reduces the stigma. Thanks for being so open about a difficult topic.

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  20. Is my comment showing? I tried re-entering it but it told me it was a duplicate, but I see I am the only one who didn’t get a reply from Melody 🙁 no worries, I am not suicidal or anything, just looking for some human interaction and I love what you are doing here Melody, this is such a delicate and important topic :*

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    • I haven’t gone through all of yesterday’s because it was a busy day! I feel like I saw yours, but maybe just didn’t have a chance to comment yet…i’ll Look for it 🙂

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  21. Thanks Melody! the semi colon idea is not mine, I heard about it online and thought it was just perfect for me. It might seem stupid but even the smallest things can help, and looking at my tattoo always makes me smile and yes, it really reminds me that a semi colon is better than a full stop. A huge tight hug to you, too!

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  22. I’m so glad I discovered your blog and I really am glad you are tackling such a sensitive topic! Iv suffered from depression and ptsd from a very young age. Yarn art helps me to relax. Iv never felt I was good enough

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  23. Not being good enough often goes right along with my main struggle-not being important. My grandmother very obviously favored some kids over others, and I was not a favorite. I recognize how that has shaped me & my way of thinking my whole life. Sometimes I still get trapped into that vicious cycle, but I have to remember that God created me & He makes no mistakes! His love for me is immeasurable! As long as I’m living a life pleasing to Him, then that’s all I need to worry about.

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  24. Having read your today comments. It’s funny I have learned with my children that the words “It’s not your fault” are the most powerful and also the most forgottennof all the words. We had a crisis in our home because of stolen identity. It effected my children greatly especially my youngest. The words she never got were “It’s not your fault”. We told her that we would always protect her and that we would not let anything bad happen to her but ….. she was saying now 8 years later the thing she needed to hear was “it’s not your fault.” Funny how 4 words can change the outcome of a situation in a child’s mind. We as a family have come a long way from that point but there will always be scars on all of us. It changed the family. I have to say we are very close. I wish as a mom I could take that away for my kids. But life is that. My daughter still suffers from ptsd but she is healing and a very good advocate for other young people that are going through their personal hell. And she remembers to say “it’s not your fault”. Very powerful words.

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    • Yes! I’m just learning the power of some simple words lately. It’s amazing the impact communicating some of these things can have. I’m trying to soak it all in so I can use the info. with my kids….but life has a way of throwing challenge at us to help us grow I think…so I expect I won’t always do the best job <3

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  25. Not good enough can stem from early adult events as well. Gaslighting is real, and my first husband was that evil. Other than not recognizing that my teenage years were horribly fraught–i.e. I had a couple of years of major depressive disorder, my family was loving and supportive. My mother probably figured I was having a similar puberty to hers. Dang, depression is tough and sneaky. Hers was never diagnosed. Mine eventually was. It is extraordinary how resilient the human mind can be, something I am grateful for every day.

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