This morning, a beautiful orange lily bloomed outside my front door.
As I admired the first of many blooms soon to come, I marveled at the way life channels us into certain places at certain times. Lilies have been rather sacred to me throughout my healing journey over the past couple years. So of course, it seems universally fitting, that I should end up living in a house surrounded by stunning lilies. And that the first bloom should open just a few days after I got word of the death of a friend very dear to my heart.
Sometimes life is hard. Yet it always seems to be saying – through mystical, unexpected means of communication – “I am here for you. I love you. Don’t give up on my love.”
This lily is just one in a long line of lilies that the universe has been gifting me over the past couple of years. Today I’m feeling inspired to share with you a piece from my journal that I’ve never shared with anyone before…. because it shows the beauty of energy, healing, and lilies.
This experience happened a couple of years ago during the beginnings of my divorce. I like to think that we can’t always know where we’re going – but we’re being led the whole way – through flowers and people, sunshine and tears… All of the aliveness that makes us who we are is taking us on an epic journey of becoming. The lily this morning was such good reminder for my heart….
From my journal a couple years back…
I recently hit a brick wall of despair… or quite possibly, it hit me. Regardless of how it happened, there was no escape (I really didn’t even have time to do my frequent reaction of running from my feelings) and I was quickly plunged into a depth of chaos I haven’t seen in a while.
Once the initial wave of panic that usually accompanies these intense emotions passed, I was left swimming in a sea of bodily sensation. To the deepest reaches of my pelvic region, I could feel so much energy arising and passing through my body. Had I labeled it, the closest explanation would be grief, despair, hopelessness, futility, and rage. All twisted into an intricate vine and woven through my energetic being.
It felt as if there were a death as I howled from the deepest reaches of my broken soul on the cold kitchen floor that morning. I had barely made it out of bed, and yet my identity and outer-world attachments had already crumbled into a lovely crop-circle like dust pattern.
With a sense of mourning, I made my way to the shaggy turqoise bath mat on the master bath floor. As my heart decomposed rapidly, I threw my hands up and beckoned my spirit guides. “Help me!” I called to them. “Give me strength.”
My friend, Jordan, who chose to join the spirit world nine years ago, showed up. This was the strangest spirit connection I had experienced yet, but I KNEW he was with me. A deeper sense of truth and my energetic ability to “feel into” the space left me with deep inner knowing that Jordan’s essence was directly in front of me. He lovingly wrapped his arms around my folded knees and gazed at me with his chin propped between my kneecaps. Even while immersed in emotional desolation, I could feel the all consuming love he sent to me in that instant. I asked him what he had learned on his path. Why was I here? What did I need to know? And of course…. there was no answer beyond the love coursing through my body and the calm that slowly washed me back to the shores of my reality.
The moment passed and I continued forward with my day.
I was still in a shaky emotional space, and it was clear my number one priority that day needed to be self care. So I packed my bag and hit the road headed for my favorite hot springs. A real life Garden of Eden, the healing lithium waters there help to ground and revive me back into my centered place.
Along my journey to the hot springs, though, I felt a calling of sorts. A stirring in my belly telling me to draw. Though I’ve only ever felt this calling once before in my adult life, drawing at the hot springs seemed like a lovely way to pass the day. Plus I’ve been practicing following my intuition and learning to trust that these body based calling are our internal compass pointing us towards the next right step. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to put that trust in action. I stopped and bought a sketch book and pencils.
While finishing my drive to the hot springs, I was deeply aware that something special was about to happen. A channel of some sort had opened, and I suddenly felt quite confident that I could bring anything I saw in my head to life on paper.
I immediately started drawing when I’d finished spreading my blanket on the lush green lawn. Surrounded by a living bouquet of amazing flowers, I drew, and drew, and drew. I stopped for a couple quick dips and to eat when I felt exhausted. Otherwise, I felt immersed in another dimension. One very much alive in the here and now. One very much accessible through the intricate plant/human relationship I was creating with the flowers I delicately sketched.
Each flower seemed to speak to me. To tell me where it wanted to live on the paper and how to transmit its energy into something that could be saved and admired long after the flower itself had gone to rest for the year.
Clearly, Jordan had blessed me with a gift that morning when he so deliberately came to visit me. An amazing artist himself, he seemed to open and create through a channel inside of me.
The resulting picture was a stunning portrait of a naked woman. Young and beautiful and rather striking in resemblance to myself. Laid to rest in her raw, naked beauty, flowers sprouted from her being and took root through her physical body. At the end of her life, she was blooming into lush beauty of a whole different, yet interconnected, kind. A gladiolus, the flower of faith, integrity and strength sprouted from her open chest. A tiger lily, symbol of wealth, and confidence from her heart. California poppies, often symbolic of peace, eternity and resurrection, sprouted from her hair.
A message from another dimension, some form of transformation seemed to be taking place.
Have you ever felt led by life? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.